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TV REVIEW: The 2013 Oscars Is Another Hollywood Facelift Gone Bad

MacFalane Oscars Ironically enough, the inanimate golden statues had more personality.


“And the award goes to… the end credits.”


After three hours of flat skits, flat jokes and a flat audience, this Outlaw cried tears of joy upon seeing the reel of producers finally scroll down the screen as my eyes officially rolled back into my head.


Let’s back up a minute or 240 though.  It’s only fair I divulge I’m not an awards show kind of guy… not anymore anyway.  There used to be a time when I purposely tuned in with excitement to the Oscars, Globes, Grammys and any other show where attractive female entertainers wore dresses that left little to the imagination… specifically mine.


oscars-best-dressed-615x400 Yes, yes, yes, and yes please.


That was until I learned that most of the more (supposedly) prestigious awards show winners were determined by a panel of their ‘peers’.  Spelled out, it’s the entertainment industry patting themselves on the back and having another excuse to party.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with that, every industry does it to some degree.


I guess as I have gotten wiser – slightly anyway – I’ve come to the happy realization that I like what I like and no award, or lack thereof, is going to have an impact on how I already feel about something.  Thus, I pretty much stopped caring about awards shows back around the time of the original Lincoln Administration.


lincoln-congress-1_0 “MacFarlane is hosting? I vote for a veto on the floor of the Dolby Theater!”


Still, seeing as this was the first Oscars show since Geek Outlaw’s internet debut, I figured it might be fun to give my two cents on the show since I truly am a movie lover at heart and a few of my favorites from this year were up for some gold naked men statues.


The Host:

seth-macfarlane-oscars-2013-ratings “No need to panic folks, I’m only going to be here for the next 4 hours.”


Truth be told, I do try to tune into the first 20 minutes of every Oscar telecast just to see the (hopefully) humorous opening montages made famous by the in-Oscar-retirement-again Billy Crystal.


With Crystal on the pine, the Academy brought in Seth MacFarlane for hosting duties in order to attract a younger audience (because that obviously worked so well with Anne Hathaway and James Franco) two years back.


Per the musical theme of this year’s Oscars, MacFarlane took a slightly different approach with a song and dance style intro with stars such Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame.  Albeit it was an interesting change of pace, it proved to be less memorable than my last dentist appointment.


MacFarlane Dancing Harry Levittt, MacFarlane and Radcliffe all proving why we miss Billy Crystal.


The “Boobs” number, while humorous, seemed a bit too Family Guy and a bit out of place for this type of show. (Although I did like Jennifer Lawrence’s fist pump when the reference was made to not having seen her bare chest in a movie… yet.)


Larence Fist Pump Boobs Ms Lawrence supplying the humor that Mr. MacFarlane couldn’t. (P.S. One day we’ll see them Jennifer… an Outlaw can only dream.)


The inclusion of William Shatner as James T. Kirk delivering poor reviews of Seth’s hosting performance from the future was also a nice geeky touch, in addition to being fairly accurate with regards to ‘the worst host ever’ headlines.


Oscars-2013-William-Shatner-Helps-Seth-MacFarlane-Out-Video I skipped my Priceline gig for this?



A couple – and I mean a couple – funny lines aside, MacFarlane was a dud.  Many of his jokes just weren’t that funny and his delivery just seemed ‘off’.  MacFarlane lacked the likability and charm of Mr. Crystal, as well as Billy’s ability to ad lib and interact with the big names in the audience.


billy-crystal-2012-oscars1 PLEASE Mr. Crystal… Please, please please, please, please come back…


Also, am I just getting old, or was MacFarlane’s quip about John Wilkes Booth getting ‘inside’ of Lincolns head in extremely poor taste?




The Winners:

Daniel Day-Lewis, Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, Christoph Waltz


As with the case most years – in which I’ve cared to even pay attention – very rarely have I viewed all the movies up for nomination.  This go-around however, two movies that I really enjoyed, Lincoln and Silver Linings Playbook (and have also yet to review), were up for Oscars in several categories.


Thus, I was very pleased to see Jennifer Lawrence win for best actress, if even just to see her beautiful mug on the screen for a few extra minutes.  Unfortunately, in her excitement to accept the award, Ms. Lawrence stumbled up the stairs, as it seemed she might have got caught up in her white flowing dress that looked longer than Shaquille O’ Neil’s bed sheets.


Jennifer-Lawrence-Oscars-2013 I’m fairly certain that she smuggled in the entire cast of “Kate Plus 8” under that tent… err gown.


Nonetheless, after a brief pause, she quickly regained her composure and delivered the funniest and most honest moment of the evening when she quickly announced, “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell.  That’s really embarrassing. Thank you.”  The quick reply was by far one of the classiest moments of the evening.  (Psst, Jennifer, the marriage proposal from last March is still on the table.)
Grace under “Fire”


Another win I was more than happy about was for the best actor category, as Daniel Day Lewis took home the golden man trophy for his portrayal of honest Abe in Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln.  It completed a record setting hat trick for the tall lanky actor.


Meryl Streep, Daniel Day-Lewis Two world leaders (on film) having a Kleenex moment.


Even though the irony is not lost on the fact that an American President was represented by a British actor, Lewis gave a heartfelt speech which included a thank you to the “beautiful mind, body and spirit of Abraham Lincoln”.  Patriotic and classy, consider this Outlaw an even bigger fan.


Lewis Osacr 2 Even sans effects and makeup, he still looks like good ol’ honest Abe with a 20th century makeover.


Geeky 007 fans out there will be happy to know that the Academy not only acknowledged the Martini-drinking British Super Spy with a 50th anniversary video tribute, but they also gave the latest installment, Skyfall, a couple of tiny golden men statues as well – one being for best original song.


The Losers:

(See ‘The Host’ above)



Most Painful Moment:



I’m not entirely sure if it was prescription pain-killer drugs, illegal drugs, or the pure pain of hobbling around in a cast without crutches, but Kristen Stewart looked about ready to take a drink from Mr. Radcliffe’s neck during their award presentation.



That’s a Wrap:

Theron This pretty much sums up the evening (…and what Charlize thought about her mammaries being mentioned in a show tune.)


Unless you were using this year’s show to help you get to sleep early, the entire production – which ran over its allotted time again (don’t act surprised) – was a literal snooze-a-palooza.


In the Academy’s attempt to be more edgy with MacFarlane taking the reigns as host, they managed to turn the whole event into an often offensive and mostly unamusing episode of Family Guy.


85th Annual Academy Awards - Show The first accurate prediction all night.


Will I tune in again next year?  Like rubbernecks to a traffic accident, I’ll most likely be back to give my thoughts on the 2014 spectacle.  While I didn’t win any awards for subjecting myself to the Oscars this year, I was just happy to be nominated… as your blogger.


jennifer-lawrence-vanity-fair-oscars-party-2013 Just for the sake of ending on a more positive (and incredibly hot) note.



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