Since we are fast approaching an extended Labor Day holiday weekend, I figured I would grace all of my readers with another one of my online love for dummies posts… with a geeky twist.
Should you happen to be single and reading this, than you probably fall into one of three camps:
Camp A: You are officially fed up with meeting the horny meat and/or airheads that frequent your local bar scene. Therefore, you have decided to get serious about finding love amongst the horny meat and/or airheads that make up the online dating scene.
Camp B: Your feet are already firmly planted in the e-dating community. However, you have thus far only received a total of two e-mails from Russian supermodels trapped in Nigeria that are requesting $5000 in large U.S. bills so they can get back home in order to meet you for a Starbucks coffee and start a family as soon as possible. Pricey yes, but have you flown coach these days?
Camp C: You are clinically bored out of your mind at work after chatting with each of your 3264 friends on Facebook and are a sucker for any article written by yours truly. There is no shame in admitting the truth.
No matter your predicament, you are in luck as I have done exhaustive research and spent the better part of the last 15 minutes compiling a thoroughly detailed list of suggestions that should help provide some guidance on creating or updating your online dating profile. That, or possibly convince you to head back to the bar scene again where vast amounts of over-priced well drinks continue to remain your last – but not entirely out of the question – option.
Since most women can usually line up a date by simply maintaining a steady pulse, I have geared this advice slightly more towards the geeky male population that thinks asking a girl out entails bragging about how many cosmic virtual warlord points your online hobbit persona has accumulated since the ‘Great War of Evil Attorney Troll-Sharks’ crashed 17 network servers in China. Still nerdettes, there are some nuggets in here for you as well, so don’t wander off.
1) Women like it long:
First of all, get your mind out of the gutter. Despite being funny and enjoying my own material, I’m actually referring to your dating profile length… not to be confused with your ‘wand’ length. If there is anything I’ve learned during my years of profile creating, it’s that women are pretty big on the whole communication thing (which seems to be most evident when you are trying to watch ANY game seven of a professional sports playoff series).
If that weren’t demanding enough, they also enjoy the written word as well, and this includes how you describe yourself. Suffice it to say, the first thing a potential online female suitor looks at is what you have to say. (Remember, they aren’t as visual as us neanderthals) If your guess was wiener, please re-read the paragraph above.
Short of hiring one of those cheesy romance novelists (which I actually recommend in most cases), you need to demonstrate your ability to string at least a couple paragraphs together, even if it’s a recap of how you and your buddy drank too much and decided it was a good idea to turn your parents pool into the final battle from Waterworld.
On the flip side of the equation, women can usually keep their personal summaries a tad shorter. Ladies, as long as you claim to be female and one of your pictures resembles that of a woman, a simple admission of “I like stuff” will pull in roughly 50 – 60,000 e-mails per day. However, should you supply a shot of yourself in a bikini or any other photo that proudly features your gazongas (a.k.a. breasts), you can pretty much just say “Hi”… which is also optional at that point.
Nonetheless, as a sophisticated gentleman (and geek) like myself is concerned, it’s nice to see some information on your profile as well. Providing some baseline for conversation will cut down on the “lets make babies” three word masterpieces that grace your dating inbox.
2) Share openly… expect for that:
In a modern society that stresses open and transparent transfer of information, it is also important to not keep major pieces of data hidden from your dating profile. Examples of such details might include: children, ties to international mafias, criminal records, past marriages, current marriages, vows of chastity, etc. Waterworld backyard recreations aside, there are also particular pieces of content that should remain undisclosed until both parties have consumed at least six shots of Tequila… each.
An example of info you might want to sit on would be tailored more for gentlemen who we shall refer to as science fiction and technology aficionados. (Any similar description to me is purely coincidental). You know the type, the worldly internet traveler that has the entire collection of Star Wars figures displayed in a air-tight hyperbaric chamber along with the original Han Solo carbonate resin mold from the movie (which actually contains the real Harrison Ford.)
The point being, those are probably not details you should technically share before, say, marriage and signing a prenuptial agreement. Once you have a signed contract in hand, you are most likely in the safe zone to let your new spouse in on your annual Romulan civil war reenactment and your ablity to speak fluent Klingon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be a nerd and I have nothing to be ashamed of as Geek Outlaw is something I love sharing with others. All I’m saying is, there’s a good time, and a better time for certain information to be revealed.
If you decide to throw above mentioned details in your profile and are lucky enough to meet someone that responds positively to it from the get go, you have found your soul-mate. Proceed to marry that person after the first date and lock them to a non-movable object ASAP.
Again, lady geeks have this part a little easier. Unless you are Lorena Bobbitt’s life coach or you were originally born with extra hardware that you decided was not feminine enough for your lifestyle, most guys will either adapt to or not remember any personal information (Ex: your name) you throw at them… especially if you supply more than 1 photo where your gazongas (see above) are even remotely visible.
3) List item #3 – Lists don’t work:
There is no denying the popularity of Top 10 lists. Don’t just take my word for it though. The mere fact that there are Top 10 ‘Top 10′ lists available at the click of a button should enforce the importance our society puts on ranking critical topics such as ‘The Top 10 Ben Affleck Movies that Don’t Suck’. (Yeah, it really exists!) Obviously though, this raises the bigger question on how anyone managed to find ten.
While even I admit to being enthralled by most list-based articles, I’m not hot on personally using a requirement list to weed out potential suitors. The last thing I or any clinically sane person wants to do when reading through a dating profile is to feel like they have to fulfill a grocery list of per-requisites. It can drive you crazy just debating if it’s even worth sending an e-mail if you only satisfy nine of 10 ‘needs’. In baseball terms, hitting .900 would get you into the hall-of-fame. In comparison, that average on an online dating list might prompt a “No thank you” response… if you’re lucky enough to get a response at all.
Unless done in a creative Lettermen-esque manner (but with actual humor), the list supplier comes across as higher maintenance than a prospective love child between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, an unholy hybrid that TV executives would willingly sacrifice their first born just to turn into a reality show.
So what lessons can everyone take from this truncated list of my own advice?
- Men, the quickest way to a successful profile will require immediate enrollment as an English major at your nearest state university. A minor in romantic literature might even slightly increase the chances of getting a message back.
- Women, your key to success is uploading as many cleavage based photos as possible. This will ensure less time writing and more time researching the more pressing matter of exactly how someone survived sitting through every Ben Affleck movie ever made.