“Listen… do you smell something?”
If you answered “yes,” and the odor has nothing to do with the after effects of your late night trip to La Taqueria de Muerto (English translation: ‘A river runs through you’), then you would be correct. Side note: grand prize goes to the first person to name the movie the above quote originates from. (NOTE: The prize is leftovers from La Taqueria de Muerto.)
No, the distinct aroma many around the globe should be taking in consists of a mixture between watered down light beer and several pairs of men’s lucky whitey-tighty briefs last washed when the Cleveland Browns made the NFL playoffs. Hence the correlation between that team name and the current color of the underwear in question is no small coincidence. Yes, that smell can mean only one of two things: either the meal from the above mentioned taqueria still hasn’t made its final curtain call, or it’s Super Bowl time! Pray for the latter.
After squeezing enough bathroom jokes into an opening segment to make any male over the age of nine proud, you might be asking yourself, what does any of this disgusting but hilarious potty talk have to do with geeks or online-dating? To that I will vehemently argue: nothing. While most of my more intelligent readers have already clicked on the adjacent advertising link claiming you can make a million dollars an hour and lose weight while eating doughnut holes from the comfort of your beanbag chair, some of you have decided to take the more painful path and see where this Seinfeld-esque blog is heading. More than likely, you just haven’t found the ad yet.
In any event, there is much to be learned from the relationship, or lack thereof, between internet dating and the biggest sports day of the year. What many of us geeks need to understand is that Super Bowl Sunday is roughly four senate votes away from being declared a national holiday. Unfortunately, the inability of the Hallmark lobby to create greeting cards which taste like freshly brewed hops and smell like buffalo wings has been a sticking point for “Man Day” to be officially instated.
Before all you burly, non-leg shaving, football ladies make a big huff, remember I do realize there are many female football fanatics out there. I just want to provide fair warning that this is not directed at the three of you, but the other women of the world who don’t find men wrestling each other to the ground and slapping each other in the butts all that entertaining.
More specifically, this list is for those lucky ladies who have found some sparks early in the new year with some promising relationships.
Womanly Wisdom from a Geeky Guy #1
Male brains are scientifically engineered to operate on two distinct frequencies: Super Bowl and everything else. The 2% of a man’s brain capacity which is devoted to attention span is only properly functioning during the 24 hour period known every year as Super Bowl Sunday. Unfortunately for mankind, that 2% dedicated only to whatever is coming out of the television with an authorized NFL logo on it. This rare ability to fully focus once a year has been given the technical terminology of ‘fully focused’ as agreed upon unanimously by every male researcher who owns a TV set.
What this means for you ladies, is that unless you have somehow managed to scrape up the equivalent of the U.S. national debt in order to purchase five seconds of TV air time during the big game, then you can pretty much put a kibosh on getting any attention on thy holy day if you plan on spending time with your new internet catch.
Womanly Wisdom from a Geeky Guy #2
Many women are probably already familiar with how quickly men transform with Optimus Prime-like speed and efficiency when they are even in the remote vicinity of other males in pretty much any environment short of a funeral. (Although in-law-based funerals may not be exempt for some.) Nevertheless, mix together the most important football game in the known universe along with an unending flow of alcohol, a constant stream of attractive half-naked women marching across every other advertisement along with a supply of chips to keep Rosie O’Donnell happy for at least three days, and you have set up the perfect storm of primitive male communication at its core.
Lest you have a high tolerance, or have possibly even fantasized about a group of over-inebriated gentlemen arguing about which Victoria’s Secrets model they would chop their left arm off just to have a chance to poor milk in their Cheerios, you might want to mull over the option of scheduling your root canal that day. Don’t forget, this will all be taking place as each man affectionately refers to every other man in the room as “athletically challenged ass clowns.” After taking it all in, most legally sane women will likely want to think long and hard about attending a Super Bowl party as a part of a first, second, or 364th date.
Bonus Overtime Extra Point!
Men, should you find an internet date who can withstand, nay, enjoy being a part of the male rituals detailed above, then by all means please obtain something resembling a ring (pretzels are pre-approved by the NFL commissioner) and be prepared to get down on one knee to make that special lady yours somewhere between kickoff and the 47th Bud Light commercial of the day.
Womanly Wisdom from a Geeky Guy #3
For the risk-adverse who decided the first two womanly tips might sound somewhat helpful, you must also heed caution if deciding to tackle the popular online dating websites. Should you receive emails or requests to chat online with any ‘so-called’ male entities during this quasi-religious day, I would advise you to calmly shut your computer down, disconnect every cable attached to it, and then soak the PC in a bath of acid for approximately 48 hours.
Anyone representing themselves as a guy and using an online dating service on the Sunday of all Sundays means you either need to further prove you are a female on your profile by adding x-rays of your reproductive system, or you are being scammed by a hacker in a third world country that hasn’t screwed over enough innocent love seekers to buy a flat screen and Direct TV to watch the actual game live themselves. The only reason most men will be within a 25-foot radius of any internet-based device on the most sacred of Sundays is to watch slow-motion YouTube replays of the 2011 Lingerie Bowl… again. That, or to read some amazing insight on GeekOutlaw.com seeing as the Lingerie League is now called the Legends League and the ladies wear athletic spandex uniforms instead of lacy underwear… not that you see me complaining or anything.
The moral to all of this? The Super Bowl is almost here, Woo-Hoo! That reminds me, I need to make plans with my ass-clown friends to find out who’s bringing the buffalo chicken dip and who’s buying the Coors Light. That’s what the point of this whole post was, right? I’m pretty sure there was no point, but what I do know is I need to run to the store to buy more chips and then maybe take in that classic Lingerie Bowl one more time… again.