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MOVIE REVIEW: The Wolverine Cuts to the Heart of Logan, Literally

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I went for the Logan hairdo, but sadly I just don’t have enough of it up top.
(If only I could take it from my ears and nose.)


The latest Wolverine movie starring Hugh Jackman raises the age old question with regards to eternal life; what tax bracket do you fall in once you hit 200?  As a follow up, can adamantium claws be written off if they are being used to save humanity.


Well, maybe those questions originate from the depths of my own psyche being the son of a CPA, but they are interesting nonetheless, no?  The X-Man with the built in back scratchers is, for lack of a more creative comic book description, Marvel’s man of steel.


Super vs Wolverine

The most important part of this match up: who has the better hair?


Now hold on outlaws, before you start spreading false rumors about my inability to control my bladder while sleeping, because Iron Man seems like the more obvious fit for the super title, please do let me explain.  In conjunction with the recognizable fact Wolverine has near indestructible metal coating his skeleton, like DC’s Man of Steel, Wolverine is one tough bastard to kill due to his instant healing powers.  In short, not much takes the guy down.


Combine that with the fact Wolverine ages at a rate which makes it seem as if humans are living via dog years, and the mutant has the potential to survive long after humanity kills itself off in some eco-disaster like way that Hollywood firmly believes will happen.  Although according to every studio executive, that won’t happen until the industry is completely out of original movies ideas and every release is a sequel… so basically within the next six weeks.



Proof that mutants are indeed smarter than aliens.


Keeping with that theme, The Wolverine is – I bet you didn’t see this one coming – a sequel, but more so from the first three X-Men films than the clawed avenger’s first solo film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  As a nice change of pace from most sequels though, seeing the prior 97 movies from the X-Men universe are not required viewing before seeing Logan’s latest adventure.


With the exception of several dream sequences that evoke the ever beautiful (reprising her ghostly role as Logan’s deceased love Jean Grey), no background is needed as to other events of the movie-verse.  That doesn’t matter anyway, as most of her scenes also spell things out to the audience with crayon and a bullhorn, not that I can confirm that with any kind of authority seeing as my focus was drawn to the former X-Woman’s notably robust cleavage which was seemingly put on display intentionally.  Go figure.



“You never look me in the eyes anymore.”
“I could be wrong, but it might have something to do with you being dead.”


Those memorable moments notwithstanding,  the rest of The Wolverine was a stand-alone affair plot-wise that deals with the commonly fantasized prospect of eternal life and how much cooler Japanese technology is than our own.


I’d be lying if my thoughts didn’t wander to what life would be like if it never ended, and you – along with the rest of the population that sneaks a quick nap in the office during the 2pm hour – would be lying as well if you claimed not to daydream about it for at least a few seconds at some point during your existence.


APphoto_Film Review The Wolverine

Being able to attract a sexy new mate every decade for a few centuries is a factor that shouldn’t be taken lightly.


It’s the choice presented to the bearded mutant as another part of Logan’s lengthy past catches up to him — continue living forever, or settle down with his new rich lady friend with whom he can grow old and have little sushi-chopping hybrid-manimal babies.  While this decision might seem like a no-brainer after giving it a full 14 seconds of thought, it’s a dilemma that should give anyone pause before immediately answering. On one hand, you would never die, be able to travel the entire world – assuming you could hold down a decent job, look amazing at the age of 3264, catch up on all of the best TV shows (if not all the TV shows ever made), and not have to worry about purchasing Obamacare.


the-wolverine-hiro-sanada-and-hugh-jackman ripped

If I could look this good at 200, I’d probably just take that six-pack to the end of the road, figuratively speaking.


As with anything in life though, it’s not all puppies, ice cream, and mustache apps.  Living forever means always having to say goodbye to loved ones, always outliving living your own kids – if you decided to have any, watching humans repeatedly make the same mistakes until the sun devours the earth and most horrifying, suffer through countless new generations of the Kardashians.


I’m not going to reveal the hairy man’s decision, so as not to spoil the film for those that still wish to see it, but I will give you my honest answer at the end of this review.  Like what I did there?  Either way I’m going to make you read to – or at minimum – skip to the end.  Either way, I write because I’m an Outlaw with a heart and I care.



Ok, ok… I won’t give out any spoilers. No need to lose the outer layer of your skin over it.


Speaking of heart, as per the title of this review there is a notably House-like scene that has Wolverine doing some internal self-repair that might cause the Raisinetes within your stomach lining to try heading north to their original point-of-entry.


At this point it pretty much goes without saying that Hugh Jackman IS the Wolverine.  Over the five-course movie stint as Logan, he has really made the character his own while maintaining the gruff Outlaw mutant charms from the character in the Marvel comic universe.  The man doesn’t need much make up either to make it work, just a wife beater, a half-way decent beard, and some hair gel for his wings.


Jackman is the part

I can’t see anyone else looking the part more than the clawed Aussie…
…with the possible exception of myself.


On a related humorous side note, Jackman, while sitting at the X-Men Future’s Past panel at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, shared his hilarious experience while walking through the convention dressed up in his full Wolverine regalia.  Apparently, after several hours of walking the convention floor area – which makes the 405 freeway in California look like a deserted back country highway – only one, count em’, one person came up to the star to ask for his picture.  Once the picture was taken, the con-goer simply stated, “Nice outfit, but you are way too tall.”  I guess not only does the camera add 10 pounds, but it takes away 10 inches, ouch.



Jackman doing his best Hagrid impression.
(Also a depiction of Geek Outlaw after two weeks of not shaving.)


Keeping that aspect of the review in mind, I should probably review the actual movie itself, which is nothing short of slightly above average.  I know that somewhat vague verbose sounds like a backhanded claw to the face, but the truth of the matter is that is exactly what The Wolverine is, a solid character-driven story about a flawed super human faced with a life-defining decision.


Throw in a couple cool action sequences (the bullet train was a trip – pun intended) and a sprinkling of special effects that are more realistic than cartoon-like, and you almost forget the feeling of numbness you’ve suffered from the waist down due to sitting in the theater for close to three hours.



For the kids at home, there are better ways to get fresh air than climbing atop a 300 mph bullet train.


Au contraire, even though I haven’t been a fan of the latest crop of movies that require me to devote a third of my weekend to a dark room sitting in non-reclining seats with a bunch of strangers, The Wolverine maintained a great pace and was entertaining enough to keep me from paying my bills online with my cell phone.  The final scene at the end of the movie was worth almost half the price of my $14 admission alone.  Sadly, the only thing missing was Stan Lee’s usual Marvel movie cameo.  According to the 90-year-old going on 15, Australia could not be fit into his schedule for his usual five-second chunk of screen time.



When it comes to quality (and facial hair) Marvel wins the summer of 2013.


As the final credits began to roll, I couldn’t help but think how much better Marvel’s Man of Steel  was compared to the hero whose nickname graces the latest DC movie reboot.  I guess it just goes to show you that behind all the metal, you still need to have a little heart… and a little facial hair doesn’t hurt either.



4 Spurs





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