Apocalypse Now, Happy Hour Later


I’m there if appetizers are also discounted…


“The sky is falling!  The sky is falling!”


The above statement is not to be confused with, “Skyfall is coming… to Blu-Ray”. (While not as devastating, it’s still an equally important announcement.)


Bond Blu

Unfortunately, you can’t take this box set with you when you go.


The point of my original reference deals with having just survived an onslaught of potential disasters, which includes: the Mayan calendar coming to an end, the passing of a large asteroid by earth, the collision of a large meteor into earth, Valentine’s Day, 32 new deadly strains of flu, and the announcement of another Kardashian being brought into the world.


Kim Pregnant

Ok, ok… I guess it isn’t a TOTAL disaster…


After thoroughly contemplating all of the near catastrophic current events above – another Kardashian baby, being the one set to do the most damage to civilized society – I felt compelled to tackle an extremely important question facing geeks, nerds and unemployed individuals the world over:


Is mankind truly ready for an actual apocalyptic end-of-days type event?


In short, only if free drinks are involved… at some point.  The longer answer is probably a bit more complex.



Even if the world were to crumble around me, I’d still be able to appreciate creative word play.


Though Hollywood has entertained the masses with fictional tales of mankind’s eventual demise at the hands of everything you could possibly imagine, be it an alien invasion or global warming, they have also managed to desensitize us to our own impending doom.



That’s probably gonna leave a mark.


In exchange for roughly two hours of our time, Hollywood feeds the masses – myself willingly included – a barrage of over exaggerated stories detailing what will happen should a mutant virus evolve that turns us all into undead cheerleading vegetarians, while at the same time volcanic killer alien meteors hit earth in rapid succession.


What our final moments may look like before final impact (sans rave music).


Entertaining as these fanciful tales are to watch on the big screen, some of these disaster flicks are based loosely on scientific data suggesting certain cataclysmic events (i.e. asteroid strikes, Kardashian quadruplets) are not out of the realm of possibility.  Aside from the geek and nerd population, most mainstream audiences tend to forget what they just absorbed before they send their next text message, let alone ponder how such events might affect the planets’ human inhabitants.



Ahhh, the good ol’ days when humans did everything in black and white.


Therefore, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to cover a few of these potential mankind-altering catastrophes, including: the good, the bad, the chances of survival and how much time we may all have to grab that final beer or glass of wine before the chaos strikes.



1)      Meteor or Asteroid Collision


More Good News: At least Mr. Bay (probably) won’t be directing the actual apocalypse.


  • Good News:  It’s going to take one giant piece of space rock to knock out a majority of life on this planet.
  • Bad News:  It’s happened before.  Granted it was millions of years ago (buh-bye dinosaurs), the odds of a repeat are still better than winning the lotto or the Cubs wining the pennant again.
  • Survival odds:  If it’s as big as ‘The Rock’s’ career, it should burn up before it hits us.  If you hear measurement stats in terms of miles, nothing short of a ticket on the U.S.S. Enterprise will be able to save you.
  • Prep time:  Fortunately (depending on your viewpoint) we will most likely have as much as a month of advanced warning of an impending killer space rock.  Per the movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”, this would allow for looting, orgies, quitting your job, and allowing ample time to complete as much of your bucket list as a deteriorating societal infrastructure will allow.



2)      Alien Invasion


So did that assault weapons ban saying anything about laser ray-guns


  • Good News:  We’ve finally found out that we’re not alone in the universe!
  • Bad News:  We’ve finally found out that we’re not alone in the universe!
  • Survival odds:  Assuming an advanced race of intellectual beings had the means to travel millions of light years to get to us, it would be hard to believe they also didn’t have the means to wipe us out quicker than it took for The Chevy Chase Show to be cancelled.
  • Prep time:  Depending on how cranky our intergalactic guests were, time would be fairly limited in phoning home before heading underground to form a real life resistance.



3)      The Zombie Flu


I picked the wrong day to quit smoking and get some fresh air!


  • Good News:  Finally, a diet where you can eat as much as you want AND lose weight! No need to cook your meals anymore either!  (Atkins watch out!)
  • Bad News:  Constantly covered in blood and, well… you’re technically dead.
  • Survival odds:  As we’ve learned from the Walking Dead, the ability to move faster than a snail is crucial for extending one’s life.  (As is owning something that can puncture a human skull)
  • Prep time:  Depending on your location and how the flu is passed, you may have time to gather up your head-bashing arsenal and Nike’s before someone blows their deadly mucus on your face.



4)      Internet Destroyed


Hands down the most excruciating way to go out.


  • Good News:  $50 savings per month and the new found discovery of what your neighborhood looks like outside of Google Maps.
  • Bad News:  Time to look into a real girlfriend.
  • Survival odds:  Without internet porn, the male contingent will cease to exist.  Women will officially rule the earth (so no change there) and develop artificial intelligence to replace men.
  • Prep time: This will be an instantaneous and historical event that will forever be remembered in the record books.  However, since all records were kept on the internet, everyone will forget in two weeks.


No Internet SP

What’s that weird dial pad looking doo-dad between those reporters?


What have we all learned about the possibility of impending world-ending disasters?  For starters, grab your ankles, tuck your head between your legs and kiss your iPhone goodbye (with the kissing app).


If this animated simulation doesn’t make you want to have a drink, there’s not much that will.


Seriously though, if there is anything we can take away from any type of forthcoming doom, is to take stock of the things that are truly important to us all.  Those things being the people that we love and care about most in our lives.



With some of the female ‘Outlaw’ family contingent. (Anyone else see the appropriateness of the meteor-riding Dino on my shirt?)


If we are going to go out, we should most definitely go out with a fight, but also with our humanity intact.  If the time ever comes where another civilization rises in our place and finds our fossilized smartphones, let’s let them know that we were a great people.  A people capable of love, devotion, sympathy, kindness and the ability to make a killer Martini… shaken, not stirred.



Ok, one last drink for mankind…



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