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5 Conversations You Won’t Find from the Sony Email Hack

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“What do you mean I’m contracted to do 17 more Tomb Raider films?”

 

By now, pretty much any individual on the planet – minus those buried under a rock without Wi-Fi – have been made privy to Sony Pictures’ archive of email communications dating back to about the time Jesus Christ walked the Earth (more specifically to the time Sony wanted to make a movie about it.) Everything from what President Obama’s Blu-Ray collection might look like to Angelina Jolie’s choice of artificial sweetener are fair game in what looks to be an internal game of which studio executive can win the prestigious Wonderlick Award for 2014. (FYI, due to the unnecessary approval of a Ghostbusters reboot, my money was on Amy Pascal long before the emails surfaced.) Suffice it to say, Sony has sadly been reduced to more archaic forms of communication, such as: carrier pigeons, stone tablets and standing up to speak with individuals sitting on the other side of the cubicle walls.

Many claim the hack is being perpetrated by North Korea in response to Sony’s pending (and currently cancelled) release of The Interview starring Seth Rogen and James Franco. The film follows the exploits of two American tabloid celebrity journalists’ comedic attempts to off the country’s dictator during an interview that was requested by none other than the dictator himself. Call me crazy, but I’m still of the belief this whole Sony information leak was caused by a couple of 13-year old teenagers who were extremely unhappy with the mess that is Amazing Spider-Man 2 and this is their way of expressing their dissatisfaction (and I wouldn’t blame them for doing so).

 

There aren’t enough special effects in the world to make this mess disappear for Sony.

 

Regardless of who leaked the info, however, it’s out there for all to see, and more importantly, for all to mock relentlessly. Despite being fashionably late, this is definitely my kind of party, so I felt somewhat obligated to offer my own satirical take on the topic. However, I’m going to approach the whole scandal from a completely different angle: instead of talking about all of the subject matter in the emails which has been covered ad nauseam, I thought why not talk about things I can guarantee aren’t in those emails. I say ‘probably’ if only for the fact the hackers supposedly still have even more info to dump into cyberspace before the year has commenced.

That being said, I’m fairly confident you would never ever hear major studio executives exchanging the following communiqué (at least not in this dimension of space and time).
For the sake of protecting the not-so-innocent, I will keep the names of the involved parties of the actual hack anonymous by creating clever code names for each. (As an example, I will refer to some of the parties involved as simply A. Pascal and S. Rudin.)

[Make sure to click the email to expand it for easier viewing.]

 

#1) “RE: No more reboots and cap on sequels.”

Reboot Emaill

 ~

#2) “RE: Suing the Ghostbusters”

Ramis Emaill

 ~

#3) “RE: Gifting Spidey back to Marvel”

Spidey Marvel Email

 

#4) “RE: Morale is down. Suggestions?”

NKFF Emaill

 

#5) “RE: Geek Outlaw Signing”

Geek Outlaw Emaill

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